The Mystery of the Muscle Flowers

Again, sorry for the complete radio silence. A lot has happened. I’ve moved cities (again), which means I’ve had to give up my psychologist. My court date is now soon, and no longer far enough away for me to not stress about it. There’s been increased stress on my relationship, partly because of me and partly because of my partner. More importantly, I’ve been playing the Harry Potter game and am furious that to be released from Devil’s Snare you have to tug at the fucking vines! No bitch! You need to relax!

Anyway, I’ve been having more dreams lately and it seems I’m becoming less able to analyse them, so any help is appreciated.

About a week ago I had a dream. I was in my family home, in the kitchen and there was a huge, gaping wound in my forearm. It gives me chills just thinking about it. Initially I thought it was just a massive pus pocket/system underneath the skin and replacing the muscle, but as I looked at it I realised it was flowers furling and unfurling underneath my skin. I could see and feel them moving in my body, replacing the tissues that should have been there.

My current thinking is that this relates to the abuse I’ve suffered (the wound) and I’ve always perceived it as a really awful “infection” in my life (the pus) but actually I’ve used it to build resistance and make myself as strong as I can be (the flowers). Or it could be something completely different.

The other dream I had was last night. I dreamt that my high school boyfriend, Tan* and I were meeting up again. At some point Tan swapped with my current partner Andrew*. Tan/Andrew went to the UK, and while he was there, he was ignoring me. I was texting him and checking the time difference to make sure it wasn’t the middle of the night when I was calling, but while he was there he was ignoring me and messaging other women. At one point, Tan/Andrew said to me, “Maybe we should just have a break for this trip.” and it broke my heart, a little bit in real life too. I don’t trust my partner, and he has given me a bunch of reasons not to, so I guess this dream is related to that.

Maybe I’m just paranoid. I don’t know. I do want to explore my flower dream more, because whenever I think about it, it gives me a funny feeling in my stomach that I can’t explain.

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